Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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