I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
