girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
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