everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
