I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Randomize
