i just wanna soil my oats bro
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
