If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You can't just leave with hair like that
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
