Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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