If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
