i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
