sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
