pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
