shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
