Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i think my mom watched the whole time
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
