College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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