Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
