oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
