I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
