I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
