glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you would pick up someone in the library
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
