stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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