Since when is my name a synonym for head?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
