my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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