i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
