I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
