god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
