I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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