i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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