You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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