someone threw a dead crab at me
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
