I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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