You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
