All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
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