Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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