I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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