I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
