also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
