when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
