Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
