ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
