i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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