im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
