The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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