fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
