I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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