I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
