i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
