The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
