i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
