she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
